RJ Rambles about friends and depression
Added 2024-01-22 15:33:42 +0000 UTCHey everybody!
This last week has been pretty rough, honestly. A few things added up together to make me feel very bad about myself and about the future, and I've been more depressed than I've been in a long time. I'm not in danger or anything, and I have my wife here with me, but my mind is in a low place right now.
The number one reason - I've struggled a long time with making and maintaining friendships. I have a couple of real life friends, who I really love, and for some reason, I guess they don't like me? I message them and I get nothing in reply. I invite them over and I get nothing in reply. So, I guess we're just not friends now? We used to play D&D every other week together, but they had to take a break from it because of school and work stuff. But now, about two years later, we have seen each other one time, and they've stopped responding to my messages.
I had another friend do the same thing a few years ago and it was pretty heartbreaking to me. I thought we would be good friends forever, and I'm not sure what happened, but they just ghosted me. Never had time to hang out anymore. Eventually I just stopped asking and we haven't spoken in years now.
I hate this. I work from home, I don't go to church, I'm not part of any clubs or anything. I don't know how to meet people and make friends. I've tried online groups and stuff. I try talking to people. I've been saying yes to everything I can possibly do, but I haven't met a single new friend in years, and I'm so frustrated with it.
Then there is online friendships. I have a few good friends online. But sometimes I feel like people online do not like me either. My Discord server is not as active as it used to be. It's not as active as the servers of other games with a similar player-base. My online friends don't talk to me as much as they used to. It's like once somebody gets to know me a little, they become less interested in me.
I realize that some of this is depression and I'm sure I'm going to get a lot of "we think you're great, RJ" and stuff like that. I hear all that and I appreciate it, but I still feel what I feel. And I feel like there's something wrong with me. That I'm annoying or abrasive. That there must be some reason why people don't want to be friends with me.
Anyway, that's why I've been depressed the last week or so. In addition, my game has been brigaded on Steam by negative review bots. A little over 200 bot accounts left negative reviews, taking the game from "Very Positive" recent ratings down to "Mostly Negative." So, that's not fun to look at. I've reported it and hopefully Steam will do something about it, but they're sure taking their time. It's been like that since Thursday.
I've messaged them, but did not get a reply. Feels like the story of my life. I feel so invisible sometimes.
Writing these helps. At least I know that some people will read them and pay attention to me. I appreciate all you out there who read and care about me. It does help.
Anyways, that's my feelings today. Not great. I'll get better though. Love ya.
Comments
I wish I didn't relate, and I'm sorry that your circumstances are what they are, but just know that sometimes fate is often an a-hole like that. You never really know what's going on in other people's heads, and sometimes friendships degrade or end over the stupidest or pettiest of reasons, often outside our control. I'm sure you know all this, as even your game writing shows that you've got a good head on your shoulders and know your way around the human condition, as it were. Though that knowledge doesn't make it any easier, especially when depression sidles up to you and tries to convince you that it's all your fault. I sometimes feel as though I've always had to be the one to put forth the effort, and that if I don't actively sustain a relationship myself, the other person won't lift a finger. And while that's largely on them, I need to learn to know when to cut my losses. Because sometimes a sh*tty friend feels worse than no friend. But like you said, it's hard, especially as an adult, and especially nowadays when we're more insular and divided than ever. Though on the flipside it's slightly easier to find friends on the online era than it was in the late 80s and early 90s, and I know I just dated myself by admitting that… I hope you're eventually able to find a game group or similar who accepts you for you and doesn't pull whatever weird ghost bullshit they've been doing, that's just not cool on their part. Maybe this unsolicited “pep talk” is a bit light on the encouragement and praise, but that's mostly because I'm nobody and my opinion doesn't really care much weight where your self image is concerned, plus that's more internal than external anyway. I mainly just wanted to reinforce the point that your not alone in this annoying AF state of affairs in the 21st century, and that there's hope yet, no matter what depression says. There have been moments in my life where I couldn't name a single close friend other than my wife, and those moments suck, but that's all they are, and they will pass. Like a kidney stone, but still. =P
Troy B.
2024-02-05 17:30:45 +0000 UTCI know this comment is super late, but I hope you are feeling better and I wish you well! You kick ass!
SomeOneGuy
2024-01-27 11:54:27 +0000 UTC
