The Dialysis book: Chapter 2: My talking dog and me.

So it turned out talking dogs were way higher on my weirdness scale than goblins.

“Since when can you talk,” I yelled, scrambling back as best as I could with one lame leg.

“I’m just as surprised as you are,” replied Shadow, sitting there patiently wagging his tail.

“How can you talk,” I asked.

“I do not know, I was out looking for something when I saw a ball of light.  She led me here and now I can talk!” said the Shadow happily.

"So you can just talk?" I asked.

"Yes, I figured it would be harder than it was," replied the Sheprador with a nod.  "But I was always a smart boi so it did not take very long."

“What do you remember,” I said as a cold wind blew through my soul.  

“Everything,” replied Shadow.  “And I have questions.”

“No, no questions,” I replied scooting somewhere more comfortable to look at my leg.

“But why did you spank me when I was bad, but the angry lady when she was naughty,” asked Shadow.  “You spanked her a lot, and then not at all.”

“She liked it,” I said meekly.  “Then she didn’t.”

“Well, I suppose being a bad girl all the time would be ruff,” said Shadow.

“You heard that,” I said.

“I heard everything,” replied Shadow.

I looked around the cave for a hole to dive into but didn’t find anything.  The ground wasn’t perfectly flat, but it was flat enough with no deep holes that I could snap my neck by falling into.

“So you’ve been here a bit, what’s going on,” I asked after I decided that unaliving myself wasn’t an option.

"This place is very confusing, and dangerous, and she told me that I wasn't helpful without a brain," replied the dog.  "I told her you would be looking for me and you were smart so she went to find you."

“I’m not that smart,” I said.

“Well, she was using me for comparison and I cannot even open up a can of food,” said Shadow.  “Though that may be because I lack thumbs.”

“You’re scared of the vacuum cleaner,” I offered.

“That is because it is terrifying, you are so brave to be in the same room as it is,” said Shadow.  "Mind you, you have not used it lately and I'm not sure if I am happy or sad about that."

I looked around the cave, then went back to tending my leg.  The knife went in way too far.  This was going to require surgery and I was going to be lucky to walk right ever again.  The dog continued watching me, trying to puzzle out what to do next.

“So do you know where she is,” I asked as I continued binding my leg.

“I do not,” said Shadow.

“What can she do for us,” I continued.

“I am a poop ninja."

"What?" I asked.

"I am good at sneaking around and leaving presents for you because he never let me out when I need to go, so you called me a poop ninja," said Shadow.  "Then when I got here, she made it official."

“I try to let you out,” I said.

“You stopped being good at letting me out when the angry lady left,” said Shadow.  “After that you are always sad, and I cannot make you happy anymore.”  His ears fell and his head slumped.

“It not your fault, buddy,” I replied, scratching him behind the ear.  “I’m just depressed.  She made me happy, and now she’s gone.”

“I try to make you happy all the time, I fetch balls, I leave presents,” said Shadow.

“Those don’t make me happy,” I grumbled.

“They get you out of your chair,” replied Shadow.  “You stayed in the chair all day before we left.”

I tried to respond angrily, but that was hard with Shadow.  He was my best friend for the past year when she who shall not be named left.  He was right, I was spiraling towards the drain, and then I went up into the mountains.  I doubted many people expected me to come home.

“Okay Shadow, we need to get out of here,” I said, attempting to stand up.  I failed, my leg was bleeding less now that I'd covered it and I didn't have cell reception here.  I was going to have to crawl out of here, if I could even find an exit.

“You look hurt,” said Shadow.  “What can I do to help?”

I glanced around, not spotting another living being, "I don't see a paramedic nearby, I need some medicine."

"The little girl told me there was medicine,” said Shadow as he sniffed at my leg.

“Where is the little girl, and please don’t touch that,” I asked.

“She is always around and you should eat some of the red bark,” said Shadow as he walked over to the knife wielding goblin he killed.  He sniffed it and the goblin glowed briefly.

“What the hell,” I said, scrambling backward which I instantly regretted.  "Why is he glowing?.”

“So that is not normal,” said Shadow.  “I was curious.  I have never killed anything larger than a squirrel, those damn rodents, and they did not glow when I sniffed them.”

“What happened,” I asked.

“Well, when you touch something you kill, you get several items that go into your butt,” said the dog.

“What,” I asked.

“Well, you can pull stuff out of your rear end, so I assumed I was putting stuff in there,” said the dog.

“That’s just an expression, Shadow,” I groaned as a piece of red bark appeared in the dog’s mouth.  He dropped it into my lap.

“Eat that and your leg will feel better,” said Shadow.

“It's bark,” I replied, picking up the object.

“Yes, but if you eat it you get better,” said Shadow, staring at me evenly.  "I promise."

Shadow had puppy eyes, so I ate the bark.  That seemed incredibly stupid, but I was bleeding out and I didn't see a doctor handy.  I felt the blood flow on my leg staunch instantly, and as the jagged wound began to seal.  Within moments all of my injuries were gone.

"How did you know that would work," I asked, of everything I'd found so far the instant healing bark was the weirdest.

“The little girl,” said Shadow.

“And where is she?”

The dog walked over to the side of the room and pointed his nose at something.  I stepped closer and spotted a large insect sleeping, but as I looked closer I realized that the insect had a humanoid frame.

"Is that a fairy," I asked as the creature stirred.  She turned and looked at me blearily for a long moment.

“Yes, Max, this is Spivy,” said Shadow.

"Five more minutes," said Spivy the magical fairy and tried to curl up into a ball.  Her voice was high pitched, as one might expect from a small creature.  She sounded almost like Micky Mouse.

“Man, I'm glad my voice doesn’t have to go that high,” I muttered.

“Yes, that would suck,” replied Shadow.

“Be quiet,” muttered the fairy.  “I'm sleeping.”

Shadow snorted, "You said I was useless and a big stupid so I found someone to help me."

The fairy, because that was the weirdest thing I'd seen so far today, looked back up at me and fluttered her wings.  As they started to move, she started to glow.  She was nearly incandescent by the time she lifted off and started floating next to my head.

She was the ball of light, some sort of magical spirit to guide me through this terrible place.  I was hoping that her words of inspiration and wisdom would set me onto the correct path.

"He doesn't look like much," Spivy said.

“But he is a fearsome warrior, he is my owner,” replied the dog.

"Yes, that," said the fairy looking at me, "You said he was clever?"

"Of course, all humans are very smart," said Shadow.  "They are good, honest and true.  They would never abandon their doggy friends on a mountain so they could jump off of a rock."

I glanced over at Shadow side eyed.  “You saw that.”

“I am a dog, I am not stupid.  No one stands on a rock for ten minutes without peeing,” said Shadow.

The small glowing ball of light blue light flew around my head several times, poking and prodding me as she did so.  I tried to grab her once, but she dodged my hand so easily I decided that if she wasn’t poking me in the eye I was just going to have to tolerate it.

Finally she shrugged, spread her wings and started shooting magical dust everywhere.

“Greetings and salutations, valiant adventures,” she said with a brilliant smile.  “My name is Spivy, and I am a system fairy here to help you with your adventure here on Otherworld!”

“What.”

“Please don’t interrupt,” she said with a very painted smile before resuming her pitch, “As your system fairy, I will be here to answer all of those difficult questions like why am I here, and what can I do, but mainly I’m here to explain how the system works to you poor Venutians.”

“We’re from Earth,” I replied.

“Seriously, that’s so far back in the goldilocks zone,” she said then shook her head, simile returning, “That’s what I mean, Eathians.”

“Earthlings,” I said.

“If you are going to keep correcting me, this is going to take forever,” she said with a pained expression.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“Don’t be sorry, be quiet,” she replied, fluttering around both of us.  “Now, seeing as you are here as a pair of stalwart companions, I have given you the gift of a companion core.  This special core is shared between the two of you and will allow you to always know where the other is located, as well as granting a few skills that will be useful on your journey.”

I stared at the four inch tall, short cropped hair flying girl with a face that didn’t quite fit onto her body for a full thirty seconds before my brain started firing again.

“We’re not on Earth,” I managed.

“Nope, Otherworld, a place of fantasy and adventure,” said Spivy with a broad smile.

“How did we get here,’ I asked, growing horrified.

“In a perfectly normal way.  The goblins were opening a portal to your world for some unknown reason when Shadow walked through.”

“Where did the portal go?” I asked, growing more horrified.

“Well, Shadow kind of killed the wizard.  With the wizard dead the portal shut down some time after you got here," said the fairy.

“Kind of killed,” I asked, growing most horrified.

“I used a poop ninja trick,” said Shadow.

“Just a ninja trick,” corrected Spivy.

“Of course, I did a trick and they shot him with their own crossbows,” said Shadow.

“Where did the portal go,” I asked, growing ‘moster’ horrified.

Spivy looked at me and sighed, "Yes, Max, with the wizard dead the portal shut down and you are stuck here, in a magical world of wizards and fairies.  You lucky guy!”

“There was a portal made by a wizard,” I asked, stopping at mostester horrified.  That was most’est, with an er on the end.  Because I was even angry at the english language at this point.

“Yes, you get it,” replied the fairy.  “He was the hairy guy, a bugbear.  They occasionally open portals to various worlds trying to draw in people.  Then the goblins kidnap them and sell them into slavery.”

“I was the only one up there,” I said.

“Well, good thing for you Shadow killed that guy then,” said Spivy, “Or you would have been enslaved.  And let me tell you, that would have been terrible.”

“They tried to kill me,” I said.

The fairy snorted, “Have you seen goblins, they are only up to your navel.  Without their wizard they didn’t have a means of capturing you, and you did break into their house.  I believe on Earth that is the castle doctrine.  Though I suspect it would be warren doctrine here.”

Shadow wagged his tail contentedly after murdering someone.  Of course, was that bug bear, stupid name, a someone or just an animal?  The goblins couldn’t talk so I suspected they didn’t qualify as people, because I needed them not to as I just killed several of them.

“So I was summoned here by goblins to be a slave, except that their wizard died unexpectedly,” I stated, the fairy nodded.

“That’s close enough for someone obviously having a bit of trouble at the moment,” said Spivy with a smile.

“And they didn’t capture Shadow because,” I asked.

“I hid after I killed the wizard,” replied Shadow.

“He is quite good at hiding,” said Spivy with a nod. 

“Can I go home?” I asked, the only question I really needed answered.

Shadow snorted, “Great, lets go back to the dark, smelly apartment where I you never let me out.  I cannot wait to get back.”

“It's not that bad,” I said.  It was that bad.  Even saying that it wasn’t bothered me in the soul, because why lie to your dog?  It's not like he could talk…

Hmm.

“Is being here really so bad,” asked Spivy.  “You could go exploring, find strange new wonders, help people, get rich, or whatever tickles your fancy.”

I was about to fire back at her, but all of those things sounded better than going back to my half empty apartment.  I’d never replaced the furniture after she left.  I’d burned her yoga mats, but that was therapy.

Still, “So I can’t go back?”

“If you want to go back, I’ll help you get back,” said Spivy.

“How,” I asked.

“Seriously,” replied the fairy.  “I’ll go find a wizard, they can open a portal for you.  Might take a few weeks or so, but it is entirely possible, if you really want to go back to, where was that, you cold smelly apartment?”

Gee, when you put it like that.

I glanced down at Shadow who was wagging his tail and smiling at the fairy.  Dogs could smile, well at least some breeds could.  Shadow was one of those breeds, and he had a very obvious smile when he was happy and I realized that I hadn’t seen it at all lately.

“You’re having fun,” I said.

“You aren’t sad,” said Shadow, turning his head to look at me.  "This place is fun.  I can use the bathroom whereever and you aren't sad."

I had to get home, didn’t I.  I mean, I had some stuff in the apartment, but I’d sold most of my good stuff during the bout of depression.  I mean, only happy people had televisions and gaming consoles so obviously I didn’t need those.  Ever since the divorce all I’d done is mope around in my chair and…

“So if we stay, we can just go exploring, and do stuff,” I said.

“Yes, and I’ll be there to help as your system fairy!” replied Spivy.

“So what does that mean,” I asked.

“She gave me a class, I am a poop ninja,” said Shadow.

"Again, you are just a ninja," said Spivy, turning to the dog.  "That's your class.  You have a striking core and a shadow core, those have a class synergy for Ninja, or Assassin, and you keep calling yourself a ninja."

Shadow opened his muzzle to say something but Spivy glared at him.  Finally the dog snorted. "I am still going to think it."

"You can think whatever you like, just don’t blurt it out," said Spivy as she wheeled on me.  Her expression was still a painted on smile.  “In any case, since you apparently want to stay I will be happy to help you.”

“That sounds suspicious,” I said.

“You can think that if you want, but let me assure you of this,” said Spivy, a hint of malice behind the smile.  “You won’t last long without a system fairy, and life as a goblin slave is unpleasant.  A system fairy is required to help you to the best of her ability.  ”

“When you put it like that,” I said.

• Would you like Spivy the System Fairy to be your guide?  (yes/no)

I selected yes more out of fear of what no would mean than anything else.  Spivy relaxed somewhat as I selected the option.  Had she been concerned?  What the heck could a system fairy be concerned about?

"So, I am both of your system fairy due to the companion core you share.  Shadow is a dog and he claims that you are his partner in his world, is that accurate,” Spivy asked out of the blue.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Seriously," she said as Shadow used the moment to ensure his bits were as clean as they could possibly be.

"Yeah, ever since he was a puppy," I said.

Spivy looked shocked, "I'd just never expect to see a world where dogs were dominant over humans.  Earth is strange.  "

"They aren't dominant over us, we keep them as pets," I said.

"So they have to earn their keep," said Spivy, smacking her palm with her tiny fist.

"Yes," I replied. "Well, some of them."

"What do most of them do," she replied dryly.

"Most of them just get pampered," I replied.  "But they get pampered because we love our doggos."

"But they aren't the dominant species," asked Spivey, unsure.

"No, they live at our suffrage," I said.

"But you feed and house them?" replied Spivy as Shadow stopped licking himself.

"They clean up our poop," stated Shadow.  "They follow us with little bags and store it for later."

Spivy looked at me agast, "That's unnatural."

"It smells bad," I said.

"If there are two groups of beings and one is cleaning up the other group’s droppings, the clean up species is the subservient one," stated Spivy, understanding blossoming.

"See, I told you," said Shadow.

Spivy turned and listened to something I couldn't hear.  She shook her head, "Well, that will have to do.  Can you fight?"

"Fight, what?  More goblins?  I can't do that, that last goblin was way too powerful for me.  I don’t think I can beat anyone here without better equipment," I said.

"Unfortunate," said Spivy as she fluttered over to the last goblin.  "Well, he hasn't been dead long so let's see if I can fix that."

"Fix him being dead," I asked.  She ignored me.

Spivy pulled out a small glass blade and started carving into the goblin.  I nearly threw up while Shadow looked on curiously.  After a moment she emerged out of the chest of the goblin alien style, holding a small orb.

"Still intact, take this," she said, handing me the gory marble.  I flinched, dropping the thing but before it hit the ground Spivy somehow grabbed it.  She glared at me, "Do not drop this.  It is very fragile!"

This time she put it into my palm with emphasis.  It sat there, being an offal covered marble until I asked, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Oh, silly me," said Spivy, "You wouldn’t know.  Just focus on the core.  You will absorb it and slot it."

"That doesn't make sense," I replied.

Spivy said, her smile cracking, "I can see why the dogs are the dominant species on your planet, Shadow figured it out right away and time is running out!"

I stared at the marble, and was about to drop it when I got the same strange sensation as when I pet Shadow the first time.  Cloudy letters formed across my vision in a language I didn't recognize, then suddenly snapped into english.

• You have found a Striking Core, would you like to absorb the core and slot it?" (Yes/No)

Dumfounded, I selected yes and suddenly felt something click in my soul.  Power flowed out of the core and into my limbs and suddenly I felt greater than I had been before.

• You have slotted a Mortal Striking Core (spear).  You have unlocked the following skills: Parry, Thrust

Suddenly I knew how to use a spear, it was like a switch flipped.  It was amazing, as long as I had a spear, I could conquer the world.

Of course, I didn’t have a spear.

"Wow, that is unfortunate," said Spivy as she grabbed a dagger and started attaching it to the end of my walking pole.  Then she tossed it to me.  "Look, I made you a spear."

"Are you sure this is going to hold together," I said looking at the 'spear'.  The dagger was literally tied to the end of the bottom of the pole.

"Would it make you happy if I said yes," said Spivy.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Good to know, let's go,” said Spivy.

"Max, is there a problem," asked Shadow uncomfortably, "There are lots of children  coming this way and they sound angry."

Spivy began looking around, "I told you we didn’t have much time.  We should go.  I don't know how many goblins we could take,  but I know how many they are bringing."

"We could take?" I asked.

"Yes, Shadow, you, any random passerby that might help the two of you," said Spivy.  "It's not like I am a fairy warrior of butterflies and rainbows because that would be illegal.  A system fairy offers her advice and wisdom, she does not fight your battles."

"Didn't  you say you could fight rainbows," I groaned.  "How do you fight a rainbow?"

“Excatally,” replied Spivy.

By now I heard the patter of feet, lots of feet.  I glanced over at Shadow, who was no  longer fully visible.  His body was wrapped in shadows and would have been difficult to spot except that he was right behind me, using my highly visible self for cover.

"Aren't you a guard dog," I asked.

"I am a poop ninja," replied Shadow.

"Just a ninja," said Spivy.

As I wasn't aware of any kind of ninja that was any good at protecting someone, I realized we needed to get going.  There were a lot of them coming.

"Is this the fun part of adventuring," I said.

“No this is running for your lives part of adventuring,” replied Spivy.

“I can’t help but feel we’ve been tricked,” I said, but I started moving.

“Tricked, directed away from a group of cannibals,” said Spivy.  “Who’s to say?”

“Well, I agree we should be running form the cannibals,” I said moving faster.

"That's the spirit," replied Spivy.  "Remember, goblins like to eat your reproductive organs while you are still alive.  The fear makes 'em tangy!"

"Why tell me that," I asked.

"So you run faster.  It is my job as your fairy to ensure your survival.  " replied Spivy as I caught the first glimpse of the onrushing horde.  There were hundreds of goblins coming down the hallway towards us, and none of them looked happy.

"All this for me and Shadow," I asked.

"Shadow and I," replied Spivy as she started flying towards one of the tunnels.  "And of course not, you are a nobody and his pet."

"Which one of us is the nobody," I asked.

“You are the clever one,” said the fairy.  Spivy shook her head as the goblins pointed and yelled. They were clearly pointing at her.  "They are after me."

"Why are they sending everyone after you," I asked as I began to run, then sprint after Shadow.  I could tell Shadow was nearby, but I couldn't actually see him in the limited light.  I grabbed my flashlight as I moved.

"Remember how I said I was a system guide," said Spivy and I nodded.  "Ex-system guide would be a better descriptor.  My people rebelled against the system lord's oppression, and they are trying to kill me."