Dialysis Book: Chapter 14: That’s one big lizard.

Everyone stopped at the entrance to the lizard’s cave.  Spivy was working her magic on Shade, who seemed to have a few minor cuts.  I pulled out one of our precious healing potions and downed it.  It tasted like cough syrup, but my wounds instantly sealed.  Painfully in one case where the rings of my armor merged into my flesh uncomfortably.

“Tastes like victory,” I hissed, pulling the armor out of me.

“Most people wear thicker undershirts,” said Spivy.

“Noted,” I said, but my essence already stopped the blood flow and the injury was a minor surface abrasion.  I’d live.

“I was gravy injured,” said Shade, whimpering.  The poor dog could barely stand, which was strange because he was standing a moment ago.

“You mean gravely,” I asked.

“No, I am pretty sure I meant gravy.  I think I need a treat,” said Shade.  “For doing all the heroic ninja dog stuff.”

“You have your own money and your own inventory,” I said, pulling out a small chunk of sausage.

“But treats from you taste better,” said Shade, and I couldn’t argue that as Shade devoured the treat and stood straight.

“I detached the item while Shade guarded me,” said Spivy.

“I got two goblins,” said Shade.

Spivy nodded, “And then we carried the item away in his mouth.”

“No inventory then,” I asked.

“I’m not even entirely sure what it is,” said Spivy, gesturing towards the all-powerful item which was currently sitting on the ground next to Shade.  It was seriously the size of a large hand bell.  The bottom had an impression in it, rather than being all the way empty like a bell was.

“Maybe a core fits here,” I asked.

“If so, I don’t recognize the kind of core that would fit,” said Spivy.  “It is a relic, some of those are used only for rituals.  It does look elven though, they might know something.”

“We’ll worry about that later,” I said, grabbing the relic and tying it to my side.  There were two small notches I was able to string some cord through and I did both sides independently while we waited.

“So the goblin?”

“Ran right in and was devoured by the lizard,” said Shade.  “Now it is hungry for goblin flesh.”

“We aren’t goblins,” I said.

“It's not particular,” said Shade.

“I’m not even sure it can tell the difference,” said Spivy.

“Damn me for being so delicious,” said Shade.  “It is all those treats!”

“Sorry boy,” I said.

“Wait, you gave me all those treats, was this part of an evil plot!” barked Shade.

“You monster,” said Spivy, shaking her head.

“Seriously,” I groaned, scratching Shade on the head.

Shade looked at me with his big puppy eyes, “I cannot stay mad at my Chum.”

I sighed, “So about the lizard.”

“We should probably avoid it,” said Spivy.  “But it looks like going back the way we came is out.”

I listened for a moment, “More goblins?”

“Yup,” said Shade.

I looked into the entrance of the cave.  The lizard was poised to go just far enough away from the door for one good lunge.  If I had a quickness boost or the like, I could have run past him but that wasn’t possible.

“Maybe I could use flash again,” I suggested.

“The two passages are close together, but they aren’t that close.  The lizard will be on us before we have a chance to make it all the way,” said Spivy.

“So we have a rock, paper, scissors, lizard goblin situation here,” I said.

“Where is the paper,” asked Spivy.

“Obviously there’s no paper, but the goblins will defeat scissors and lizards eat goblins,” I said.

Spivy looked confused.  “We can’t fight that many goblins.”

“Obviously, Chum is saying that we should use the lizard to defeat the goblins,” said Shade.

I nodded, “Scissors are weapons, that many goblins will defeat us if we try to fight them, but…”

“Okay so we use the lizard against them, but how? It is waiting right inside the door,” said Spivy.  “Shade and I could probably slip by, but you are a big tempting target.”  She looked over at Shade, who was missing.

Spivy looked back at me wide eyed.

“He understood the plan,” I said as the goblins turned the final corner and spotted me.  I stood, weapon ready and shield primed.

A single massive, hairy goblin, one of those bug bear types, walked to the front of the pack and snarled at me, “We’ve captured your friends, you are next.  Where is the brass bell?”

“I have no friends, I’m quite unlikeable,” I said standing at the ready.

The bugbear glared at me, “It's attached to your belt.  Give it to me and you’ll die clean.”

“You guys suck at negotiation,” I offered.

“Fine, be that way,” he muttered, waving his hands around.

“He’s a spellcaster,” said Spivy.

“Will my shield work against spells,” I asked.

“Depends,” replied Spivy as a glowing green beam of toxic energy flashed at me, hit my disk and refracted into dozens of smaller beams.  The upshot was that the main beam didn’t hit me, but two of the smaller ones did.

I felt sad and sick, staggeringly so.  If I’d taken the full power shot I’d have been on the ground sobbing with stuff coming out both ends.  As it was I just felt like dying, but even that feeling was starting to weaken.

My essence was burning off the spell fragment’s effects, not quickly enough for my liking but there was a chance when I heard barking.  Loud, repeated barking.

I took a step back towards the lizard before I noticed the bugbear shaking violently.  He had also taken a blast of energy, as had several of her fellow goblins.  He was standing, they were not.  One was throwing up violently and the one next to him was screaming as loud as he could about being blind.

“I thought light spells caused blindness,” I said.

“Why would you think that,” said Spivy.  “There are a dozen effects that will cause blindness, light just does it with light.”

“Interesting,” I said as we reached the edge of the passage where I stood listening for a moment.  It was blissfully distant.

I dashed back into the lizard’s lair.  I generated a light as bright as I dared, giving me a good view of the bone covered floor as I ran.  The lizard heard me, and didn’t care as it was chasing after Shade but when the goblins followed me into the chamber, the lizard spun around.

Too much meat to be ignored.

In the light the Lizard was the single most terrifying thing I’d ever seen in my life.  It looked like a komodo dragon had sex with a garbage disposal against the disposal’s will.  It was covered in thick, metallic plating and featured a tongue that could extend over twenty feet.

I found that out when the tongue splatted into my light shield, knocking me off my feet.  As the tongue tore free, the lizard hissed and then spotted the goblins.  I don’t think it actually had a preference for the kind of meat it ate, but it did have one for the quantity and all those little goblin nuggets were in a tightly packed formation.

The lizard changed direction mid stride away from me and straight into the pack even as a second beam of green sickness blasted the lizard in the skull.  Instead of refracting off in every direction, the beam was simply absorbed by the lizard and if it bothered him the lizard, he didn’t show it.

Satan’s garbage disposal smashed into the spear wielding goblin formation and started biting.  The only thing it did with any show of intelligence was to eat the bugbear first, though again that again might have just been a size thing.

One moment we were being chased by goblins, the next I was limping out of the lair while all the goblins were messily eaten.

“I can hear them screaming,” said Shade.

“So can I,” I offered.

“From inside the lizard,” said Shade.

“Oh,” I said, contemplating that nightmare.  I was suddenly glad my hearing wasn’t anywhere close to Shade’s.

“Let's go,” said Spivy as she cast a healing spell on my ‘everywhere’.  Being flung into solid rock at high speed was unpleasant.  It would have been the low point of my day except for the whole getting swallowed alive thing that was currently happening to all the goblins.

Sure they wanted to kill me, but wow, that just sounded terrible.

“One is begging for his mother,” said Shade, tail drooping, as the lizard hopped his front half off the ground and landed on his own belly hard enough to make the room shake.  Shade listened more.   “Much better, it is quiet now.”

“That’s great,” I said, reminded that Shade was a dog and we left the tomb down the passage towards the entrance.  When we got back to the tunnel to the exit I examined our way out.

“Surprising that they didn’t know this path leads more or less straight to their temple,” I said.

“No it isn’t,” said Spivy gesturing back the way we came with her thumb, “They probably didn’t investigate any farther than the lizard in both directions.  And without a mapping shard I doubt the goblins would have known it was the same cave.”

“I know they had physical maps, but you are saying that they don’t have mapping shards,” I said.

“Shards have quality levels like cores do, but more complicated skills are harder to naturally come by.  To get a mapping shard, you’d need a class with the mapping skill and a goblin shardsmith willing to copy it.  That’s a pretty big ask for a goblin warren.”

“That bugbear could cast spells,” I said.

“Anyone can cast spells if they know the magic and have the right kind of core,” said Spivy.  “I’m sure we’ll find a few spellbooks that use light mana in one of the major cities.  You might even be able to afford one after this.”

“That expensive,” I asked.

“Spells have to be written down, they are in many ways harder to craft than skill shards,” said Spivy.  “So you don’t see too many of them.  Light cores are also mostly a utility core, so don’t expect any big attack spells.”

“Pooh,” I muttered.

“Not recently,” said Shade.  “First time I saw the lizard, sure but we haven’t eaten since then.”

Spivy shook her head, “Shadow cores are utility cores as well, but at least have some combat application.  There is a shadow bolt spell Shade might be able to learn if he develops his core.”

“That sounds boring,” said Shade.

“I think it makes a ball of shadow,” I offered.

“I would like to learn this ball spell,” said Shade.

“Then you’d be a ninja warlock,” I said.

“I’d be a ninja war-lick,” replied Shade.

Spivy groaned, “In any case, let's get out of here, there are about five guards at the exit.”

Shade snuck out first, in shadow form and searched the area for enemies.  I shimmied out into the passage.  I even got my feet under me and we started to run before one of the goblins behind us yelled.

“Hey, there were twenty or so of them waiting in ambush in the next chamber,” said Spivy as I started running.  She was in the hood of my cloak now and that gave her a great view of the goblins chasing us.  “No bugbears.”

“Thank god,” I said.

“Wait, that’s a hob,” she continued.

“Okay,” I said.

“They are much worse,” said Spivy.

“Must run faster,” I muttered as I high tailed it down the passage.  The exit chamber was just large enough to fit one wagon, which left room for around 5 goblins to hide in it.  They weren’t hiding now, but they were getting ready for me.

I was glowing, shining the light down the path as I ran so they were paying attention to only me.  So when Shadow tore the first one’s head clean off as he ran past they had no idea what was going on.

Two daggers were flung towards me anyway, and I dodged one while my shield got the other.  Shade was visible and attacking another goblin from behind when I entered the room and immediately skewered another goblin.

The remaining two goblins were preparing for a holding action to wait for their friends when I didn’t stop.  I barreled through them and was out of the warren and into the grass before they realized what was going on and Shade was right behind me.

I dimmed my shield and we ran downhill as the goblins finally managed to get out into the night air.  They started screaming and yelling as they chased me, but the hob stopped them after only a minute or two.  The goblins had short legs and had no chance of catching me while I was running downhill, or on flat ground, or uphill and the hobgoblin was just a taller version of that.

The takeaway here was that it was obvious to the goblins that humans ran faster and longer than them.

I felt my belt for the relic, but I wasn’t worried.  The brass bell was bouncing off of my hip every step.  "Spivy, what should I do with this?"

After a moment I peered back over my shoulder into my hood.  Spivy was unconscious.  She was healing Shade for most of the quest, and that seemed to exhaust her pretty quickly.  She was going to be out for a bit.

I considered for a moment and then took the simple approach by twisting my belt so that the brass bell was at my back.  My cloak was heavy enough that it didn't uncover my back frequently so unless someone was really watching me, no one could see it.

After that it was just a simple walk to the town, and we managed to get onto the main road without any issues.  Before we'd taken what amounted to a path to town, but now that we knew more about the local, patrolled, roads I was eager to see how safe they were.

Within five minutes we ran into a patrol.

"Hello there," yelled a man.  He stepped forward into my light, which might not have been the best idea but traveling in darkness wasn't much better.  The human male was six feet tall and wearing a much nicer set of armor than I was.  He was wearing actual plate armor with a few runes engraved at strategic points.

He was also wearing a helmet, so I could only really see a tee shaped section of his face. The guard had a blond beard and looked reasonably affable.

"Howdy," I replied, noticing that Shade had already vanished.  I stopped, and the man walked out to look at me.

"Where were you at," he asked suspiciously.  I realized that being out here late at night was not something normal people did.  I looked sus.

"I'm Max, I'm an adventurer, I was adventuring," I said in a happy tone, hopefully causing the guard to be less suspicious.

“Clarance,” said the guard.

“Hi Clarence,” I replied happily.

"Where were you at?" he said, his clipped voice setting my hackles rising.

"The goblin warren," I replied.  "Be careful though, there was a hobgoblin chasing me when I left."

"Good to know, did you see an elf," asked the guard.

"No, sir," I said, reading the hostility and shortening my answers.  The guard was like the police, and I just wanted to avoid entanglements.  I was on vacation.

The guard looked me over for a bit, "Sounds like the whole warren is riled up, you best get back to town where it is safe."

"Thank you," I said and hustled on by.

***

Clarence looked at the fleeing adventurer and shook his head when his partner Sharee stepped out next to him.

"You could have asked a few more follow up questions," she said.

"To someone obviously that green, and human," said Clarance with a snort.  "Noob adventurer, there are a pair of elves trying to steal a relic from the goblin warren.  Should I have asked him if he fought his way past the dozen or so hobgoblins and bugbears with them to get it?"

"No, but he might have found a hidden entrance or something," she replied sourly.

"The one everyone has been looking for for the past two years," asked Clarence.  "I've got better things to do than spend a lot of time talking to someone unrelated to our quest.  We aren't here to stop humans, after all."

Sharee looked at him evenly, “I know a number of elves you’d like to go drinking with.”

“I believe that when I see it,” replied Clarence.  “I’ve been to Dominus, if that doesn’t take the sheen off your respect for the elves nothing will.”

"Granted, Dominus is kind of terrible, but the Dominion as a whole isn’t bad,” said Sharee, trying to change the subject.   That had been the worst vacation of her life.   The Elven King was kind of a jerk. “How much longer do you think those elves are going to take?”

"They've been in there awhile, I'm not sure what I prefer," said Clarence as he stuck one metal finger into his visor to scratch his chin.  "That they failed to get the item at all, or that they got it and left to reach the Dominion cross country."

"If they could manage cross country, then we couldn't stop them from getting to the town either," said Sharee.

"Point, so we'll just have to wait.  Eggard is crafty, I'm sure he's figured out something clever."

***

Eggard groaned, it was the lack of sleep.  That is what did this to him.  That was the straw that broke his back, literally.  He could manage a day or two without sleep as an elf, but five days and the dalliance with her had sapped too much of his essence.

He inhaled, and despite his efforts the pain caused him to moan.  The smaller goblins noticed and rushed off to get their masters.  Eggard’s world was reduced to hoping they found a bugbear first instead of a hobgoblin.

Bugbears were more clever in their questions, but hobgoblins were far more sadistic, and he was a dead man either way.  In his worst nightmare, one of each stepped into his cell simultaneously.

"Your partner was successful," said the bugbear.  She glared at him hatefully.  "Our sacred charge has been stolen."

Eggard smiled at that.  Savina was an idiot, but she was a profit motivated idiot.  She knew the item had to go to the Dominion, and she'd at least approach their lady first, or maybe the king.  Either one was preferable to leaving it for Gol’tik, who was the example all the hobgoblins followed for sadism.

"You will tell us your plans for the item," said the bugbear.

Eggard laughed despite the pain. He would not.  He would die screaming, but his lady's secret would be safe.

"He will not tell us anything," said the hobgoblin, who's higher pitched voice always horrified Eggard.  It sounded like a child planning murder.

"We captured another," said the bugbear, and Eggard's expression fell as Savina was dragged into the room.  Eggard wondered idly if her plump features offered her some respite from the beating, though by looking at her skin all that her plumpness had achieved in doing was making the goblins try harder.

"One of you will tell us your plans for the item and receive a slave brand, the other will not be as fortunate," said the bugbear.  The hob was staring at his naked body, drool running out of the side of his mouth.  Given that hobs lacked certain anatomical capability, Eggard tried not to whimper.  Still, he had to be strong for his mission was one to help the elven people.  If what he knew got out, then the whole plan could be compromised.

To Eggard's horror, Savina didn't even wait one second before she started spouting out what the item was and who they were to bring it to.  She didn't know as much as him, but she knew enough.  More than enough.

And all the while, the hobgoblin stared at him, "They will be extra tangy."