Dialysis Book: Chapter 21: Preparing for Adventure

After we took our quests I bid every well and walked out of the guild onto the massive manicured gardens.  It was early in the morning and the sun was high overhead.  Okay it was the crack of noon, but still I was awake and fed.  It didn’t matter if I got up late, I was on vacation.

“We are going to kill some monsters,” said Shade.

“Dang straight,” I replied, reaching down to scratch him behind the ears.  Shade’s rear leg fired off as another adventurer walked past.  She was an elf with a long, thin sword on her back.

“Is your mutant doat sick,” she asked.  Her hair was strawberry blond and her skin had the healthy tan color most of the elves did.  She looked concerned.

“Shade is fine, don’t doats like getting scratched behind the ears,” I asked, continuing the scratch.

“I suppose so, they just don’t do the leg thing,” said the elf.  She examined me for a moment with a more critical eye than I was used to.  “I’m Vicky.”

“Yeah, Aria mentioned you,” I began, stupidly.  Like an idiot.

She frowned, turned up her cute little nose and kept on walking.

As I contemplated the magnitude of my failure, a squirbit ran up my leg.  Before I had a chance to brush off the creature, it removed its head.

“Man, you struck out hard,” said Spivy.

“I was going to say something, but he kept scratching,” said Shade.

“Wingman better next time,” replied Spivy.

“I failed in my duties as a dog,” said Shade, bowing his head.  “I remember it like it was yesterday.”

“What do you remember,” I said darkly.

“We went to the park, and you said, ‘Shade, I need you as a poon magnet,’” replied Shade.  “I failed.  There was no poon.”

I groaned.

Spivy considered that for a long moment, “What is poon? Can you eat it?”

“If you’re lucky,” I said looking around.  More adventurers were moving out of the guild hall so I hopped off the path into the garden.

“Could I have some?” asked Shade.

“No,” I replied.

“Well, now I’m curious,” said Spivy.  “Am I allowed to partake of this delicacy?”

“Only if you swing that way,” I replied tartly.

Spivy frowned, “Wait, I just got the updated system translation.  You are disgusting.”

“I beg to differ,” I began.

“Why would you have a class in your world devoted to that,” said Spivy.  “And why assign it to your companion instead of yourself.”

“Plus, I thought I was a poop ninja,” said Shade.

“You are,” I said, causing Shade’ eyes to light up.

“He’s just a regular ninja, you horrible man,” said Spivy.

I grumbled and ignored her as I continued through the garden.  Even the serendipity of the glorious display of perfect nature, complimented by the snooty elf from yesterday desperately trying to save the grass where I’d testing my landing wasn’t enough to restore my sense of peace.

Shade headbutted me “So I don’t get a treat?”

I chuckled.  “Maybe later.”

We continued through the garden for several minutes, enjoying the other sights.  Elves were very much into organic displays that developed as they grew.  I stopped for a minute to look at a tree that sprouted in a garden bed.  In five to ten years, that tree would completely dominate that part of the garden, causing all the nearby flowers to die but clearly that was the intention in that well maintained part of the garden.

Still, the scent of rot and decay was also around.  I searched for it for a long moment while I surveyed the area only to notice that it was very close.  I must have been standing right on top of it.  The smell was nearly overwhelming.

“Lose the skin, it is starting to smell,” I said as I started walking and trying not to gag.

She chucked it out of the back of my hood and I heard a jaw snap.

“Thank you,” said Shade as he began gnawing.

“Hasn’t that poor squirbit suffered enough,” i asked.

Shade paused.  “It knows what it did.” He continued tearing into the skin.

I cut down a path and started looking for my tree.  Spivy groaned, stretching out.

“So why were you watching me at the bar,” I asked.

There was a slight pause, maybe more felt than heard, “Because you always get into trouble,” replied Spivy.  I couldn't see her, so maybe I was reading more into that than I should.  “You piss people off.”

“She kicked Shade,” I replied.

“Is that what you remember,” asked Spivy.

“Mostly, I was about three cups in at that point,” I said.

“You walked past her to go to the bathroom,” replied Spivy.  “She didn’t like that.”

“Walking past her,” I said remembering the long eared, angry elf woman.  “That seriously couldn’t have bothered her that much.”

“I think it was the fact that she was in an out of the way table and you decided to walk past her while yelling back that you were going to drain ‘the lizard’ loudly to the table of dwarves,” said Spivy.

“She must hate lizards,” I said.

“She did seem mean,” said Shade.  I nodded sagely.

Spivy growled, “You basically walked up to a minor nobel and loudly announced that you were going to take a piss.  She stood up to yell at you for your lack of manners and Shade shoved his nose so far under her skirt that he could tell what she had for lunch,” said Spivy.

“Reindeer steak and greens,” said Shade.

Spivy glared at Shade.

“Well, that sort of thing happens,” I said.

“No it does not,” replied Spivy, wheeling on me.  “You two need to learn social etiquette.”

“It's not Shade’s fault she overreacted,” I said.

“Shade got so far up there that when she screamed you could see his nose.  That elf reacted at a perfectly normal level,” said Spivy, the vein above her left eye was pulsing.

“She kicked Shade, like some sort of monster,” I said, defensively.  Who kicks a dog?  A simple, humble, unknown animal who jammed his very cold snout right up a woman’s skirt…

“She was very mean, all I did was try to sniff her and figure out who she was,” said Shade innocently.

“Maybe you should stop jamming your nose up people's backsides,” I said.

“I was investigating.  How am I supposed to identify them, then?”

“You can just ask these days,” I said.

“That seems much less efficient,” replied Shade.  “Maybe compromise and just sniff a little?”

“I can’t see how that would be a problem,” I replied, looking at Spivy and shrugging.

“Just a small amount of crotch sniffing then,” said Shade.

“I hate you both,” replied Spivy.

Truth was, I didn’t realize I offended the poor elf.  She had yelled something about being a round ear at me and I was doing my civil best to ignore the slur when Shade ‘investigated’ her.  She had screamed only for a few seconds, before she reacted violently.  I had initially been planning on dressing down Shade until she kicked him.  Unfortunately, she turned out to be an agent, and unlike Neo I couldn't handle multiple agents at the same time.

I couldn't even handle one.

Only the use of my light shield prevented me from being torn apart when I was thrown through the wall.  Wood does not just open up, it shatters leaving lots of sharp bits and I was wearing a shirt, which was terrible armor.  The impact was bad, but the light shield was strong enough to break the boards sufficiently such that when I hit them I pounded right through like they were jagged wood, with all the horrors that implied.

Spivy had been there, in her disguise, and healed me.  Which was good because I needed to be healed quite badly.  It wasn’t the boards breaking my bones.  Only a few bones actually broke.  It was all the jagged pieces that carved through my flesh.  I’d have bled out in moments without her help.  Spivy passed out before I'd been able to ask her any questions and I ran back into battle because Shade was attached to the woman's backside.

That sounds bad. He was orally attached.

No, that sounds worse.  He bit her on the bottom.

That was about the time she started throwing icicles and the one that missed my head by about three inches actually broke a plank free which slammed into the back of my skull and finished the job on my consciousness.  I had a goose egg the size of a goose egg under my hair making my head look misshapen.

“I should be concussed,” I said.  I felt off, but not horribly injured.  On Earth I'd be sleeping in a dark room with this kind of damage, not walking around normally.  And that was discounting the hangover I felt.

“Essence is a hell of a drug, but do check your reserves,” said Spivy.

I focused my essence on my thumb, causing it to light up dimly.  Very dimly.  I focused a bit more, pulling essence from other duties and rapidly my pain levels shot up and my depression began to surface.

I put more essence back into my constitution and will, but there still seemed to be a bit more left over.  After I reprioritized everything I brought up light again and it rapidly got extremely bright.

“I don't think I'm as depressed anymore,” I said.  My therapist did say I needed to get out and meet new people.  Killing monsters and banging elves was just a bonus.  “Does infusing essence into my willpower make it heal me faster?”

Spivy considered that, “I mean, it works to accelerate things.  That is usually physical healing, but you've been dumping ridiculous amounts of essence into your will so if you don't have something physically wrong with you it should substantially increase the rate you are recovering, assuming you were recovering to begin with.”

I glanced at my glowing thumb.  That must be the case, of course light was my lowest essence skill so I went from almost no free essence to a trickle of it.  I wasn't set up for fighting at the moment, but I wasn't in pain either.  It was just a day where I was out walking with my dog in a park.

I threw a stick.

“You lost your stick, do not fear I shall recover it,” yelled Shade as he blasted off after the stick.

“Any luck on selling the item,” I asked.

Spivy was quiet again, “Not yet.”

“You wouldn't be trying anything funny would you,” I asked as we got back to the base of the tree.  The snooty elf was gone and the grass looked okay.  “I'd be really disappointed.”

“No, nothing funny.  The market for that item is just specialized.  I have to be discreet about it or it will be a problem,” said Spivy as she flew up and landed in the nest.  I looked both ways and then signaled.  She dropped the brass bell into my hands.  She'd added something to it, a small golden wire that was wrapped around the entire  and I moved it to the back of my belt hiding in my cloak.

“What do we do now?” I asked.

“You have the quest token, any birdy driver in town will take it, that should get you to the quest,” said Spivy.

“Even one outside of town?”

“Feel free to ask, if you are worried,” said Spivy with a yawn.  “The process for handling quests is pretty well laid out here in Dominus.”

I shrugged and took one last look at the majestic adventurer's guild and prepared to leave.  “Surprised they pay this much,” I said, examining the quest form.  I had to look at the paper, Spivy just ‘knew’ it.

“Fifty gold is pretty standard for a dangerous, day-long out of town quest,” said Spivy.  “And obviously you don't get all of that.”

“Course,” I grumbled.  “What's the guild's cut?”

“Twenty percent plus expenses,” said Spivy.  “Like the birdie ride.”

“We could walk,” I said.

“Opportunity cost, while you are busy walking you could be doing literally anything else,” said Spivy.  That made sense.  You could walk anywhere the flying griffins could take you to in world of warcraft if you tried hard enough, it just so happened that by the time you got there you could have flown over and been killing monsters.  The end result of flying was more experience and more gold than just walking.

Shade brought back the stick and I banished it into my inventory, “Good dog, let's go kill some monsters.”

“Best day ever,” said Shade as we left the garden and got onto the main street.  At the front of the guild hall, deer were picking up all of the elven adventurers.  The non-elves were gathering up nearby, not quite in front of the building but close and I walked over spotting Sharbi.

She glanced over at me with her nearly glowing cat like eyes, “Sup Max.”

“Sup,” I said, examining her.  Up close she was far more frightening than she was at a distance because the fur made her look a lot less muscly than she actually was.  I initially thought she was a muscle mommy, I realized that was an understatement.  Underneath her golden brown fur, she was built like a lioness.

Ligeress.

“Where are you headed,” I asked as a birdee ran up and picked up two adventurers.  I recognized one of the humans, Sashie.  I think I hit on her at the bar last night but she had been absolutely uninterested.  She’d left with a pair of elves after the fight.

I glanced back, seeing only the top of Sharbi’s head as she knelt before me.  “He is so fluffy!”

“I’m not sure how I feel about this,” said Shade.

“What do you mean?” asked Sharbi, her feelings hurt.

“Well, you have two hands but only one is scratching my ears,” said Shade.  The situation was resolved quickly.

“He is such a good boy,” said Sharbi when she stood back up as another birdie came into range.  Shade smiled happily at her as she waved back before vanishing into the horrible traffic.

“This is why you were a poon hound,” I said.

“It is all in the ears,” replied Shade happily as a familiar birdie wheeled up.  Shade’s ears went flat.

“Gloria, how are you today,” I said standing before the birdie.  I tried to get on, I really did, but my legs wouldn’t move.  They knew danger.

“Fine, I was supposed to get Sharbi but you are more fun,” said Gloria.  “Hop on handsome.”

“Alright,” said Shade hopping on.

“People pleaser,” I groaned and hopped up as well.

“So where are you going today,” asked Gloria.

“Farming town of Qualus,” I said.  “Is there public transport to get us out that far?”

Gloria laughed, a glorious laugh, “Nope, I’m taking you all the way and we’ll get there fast.”

“Because the country roads don’t have speed limits,” I hissed.

“You’ve been here before,” said Gloria as she shouldered us into traffic.