Dialysis Book: Chapter 29: Love me some Honey

Light, pain light, streamed in from a crack in the window shade.  I inhaled sharply, and regretted it.  My ribs were bruised, so was everything else.  I slowly got to my feet, spotting the girls sleeping together in a pile.

Not a sexy pile, just an unconscious pair of elves in a pile.  They were not sexy, I thought as I stumbled towards the door leaving the horrible costume there.  Except for the hat, I kept the hat.

I stumbled towards a nearby balcony, ever present in the permanent apartments of the guild and tried to process what happened the night before.

“So did you learn anything,” asked Spivy.

“Innocent elven maiden is not a fun game,” I replied hoarsely.

“Why,” asked Spivy.

“I thought it was about a burly human coming into the forest and taking advantage of two elven maidens all sexy like,” I said, checking my teeth.  I thought none of them were loose.

“And what was it,” asked Spivy.

“Two proud elven maidens, protecting their virtue and showing a stupid human what happens if you try to invade their home,” I said, feeling the rope burn on my arms.  “By violating his virtue.”

“How did it go,” asked Spivy, a touch of malice invading her mirth.

“Not well,” I said remembering the joy I’d felt walking into the room where the two nearly nude elves had been waiting.  Then I remembered the joy turning into terror when Vicky leapt up crotch first onto my face and proceeded to flip me into the wall before Aria lifted me over her head and flung me into the bed, where I had promptly been tied up with my own rope.

My head twitched as I remembered the moment where I burst the ropes and made a play for the door.  I was not successful.

“She headbutted me,” I said, feeling my skull.

“Which one,” asked Spivy, surveying the damage.

I pulled a red hair out of the bruise, “Vicky I think.  How are they that strong?”

“Essence, silly,” said Spivy.  “Elves are much better at it than you are.  They basically have heroic level attributes at least briefly.  It is nothing for an elf to be able to lift four times their weight.”

“I could get that strong?” I asked, some of the pain leaving me.

“Yeah, if we upgraded your core.  I mean, I do have this quickness aspect that’s just begging to be added,” she said, producing the crystal.  “It is a heroic tier shard, but you should be able to handle it now.”

“Are you sure coach?” I asked, suddenly hesitant.

“First one’s free,” she responded.

I gingerly took the crystal, and absorbed it.  If Spivy said I could do it, I could do it.  She was the coach after all, the only reason I hadn’t grabbed that crystal earlier is because she told me not too.

There was a surge in my class core, and I was happy that I could identify what that was.  When I’d first gotten here I wouldn’t have been able to do so.  The core seemed to blossom, filling with a new kind of power that I wasn’t used to.  The essence there was ‘sweeter’ than my usual essence, overwhelmingly so.

It was like drinking a cup of highly concentrated soda when all you’d had was water.  It took a moment for me to adjust, but when it was over I liked it.

“Lets see,” said Spivy, climbing onto me and looking into my ear before clearing her throat.

“You have gained ‘Quickened Thrust’, a quickness based attack.  You can now expend essence to strike twice as quickly as normal.  Your core is showing minor improvements, you are progressing towards a heroic evolution.”

I looked at Spivy, “Are you sure you don’t enjoy that?”

“Meh,” said Spivy, sitting back on the railing.  “I don’t hate it as long as you aren’t asking me to double check stupid things every few seconds.”

“How should I test this, Gulwing was pretty adamant about not using your weapons in the halls,” I said.

“You could go to a room,” said Spivy, wickedly.

“I’ll go to the gym later,” I said as my belly rumbled.  I sensed for Shade and found him down the hall, towards the cafeteria.  I groaned.  “Shade is going to be overeating.”

“He figured out he could go without you,” said Spivy.

I prepared to get my dog, and possibly breakfast when something occurred to me, “Did you manage to find a buyer for the thing?”  I wasn’t allowed to say brass bell, someone might recognize it.  Probably not, but better safe than sorry.

“Nope, I can find people who want it, but we can’t make the sale safely,” said Spivy, she shrugged.  “Which is unfortunate because after the conjunction tonight it isn’t going to be worth anything.”

“We can’t just take it to a store,” I asked.

“If they find out you were selling it, there will be very serious problems,’ said Spivy.

“Like lethal problems,” I asked.

“More like ‘innocent elven maiden’ followed by death, but without any of the fun parts,” said Spivy.  I grinned for a moment, because there were fun parts, but then realized the rest of it.

“Death by snu snu, without the snu snu is just death,” I said.

“That’s why I’ve been so careful,” said Spivy.

“Should I just lose it in the woods,” I asked, looking over the garden and spotting the tree where the relic was hidden.

“I guess, it is unfortunate.  I was hoping to get something out of it,” said Spivy.

That hurt, I was hoping for a few hundred gold.  That was the difference between unlimited drinks in a cabana and being stuck at the bar… with unlimited drinks.  I’d survive somehow.  The vacation would continue.

“One more job, maybe two, and then we move on to the next town,” I said, walking towards the cafeteria as Spivy hopped into the trees.

The trip there was uninteresting.  The elves were on the second story of the guild hall’s section of apartments.  The quality of the rooms was virtually identical, though in fact I’d only been in two rooms.

Madox and Vicky’s rooms were both similarly sized to the point that I wasn’t sure if there was a difference between them.  Madox’s room was stuffed full of weapons, as was Vickys.  Madox’s room was cluttered with old trophies from earlier conquests, as was Vickyes.  The only major difference was that Vicky had a lovely garden in her room, and Madox preferred his plants fermented and bottled.

I did have to go down a staircase to get to the cafeteria, where I spotted Shade sitting with Quatax and several other elves.

“Seriously,” I said as I approached and Shade noticed me.

“You abandoned me, and I had to spend the night with friend Quatax,” said Shade.

I looked over at the elf who nodded, “Always glad to help Shade, he’s a good mutant doat.”

“I am,” said Shade.  “I bought him breakfast in recompense!”

“Yeah, lots of new heywood recipes from Pentacost today,” said Quatax.  I looked over to the bandaged and bruised halfling chef and waved.  Quatax cleared his throat, “There was a grand opening at a restaurant yesterday.”

“I was there,” I said with a groan and sat down.

“You are a sprig.  First you play innocent elven maiden with two elves at the same time, then you are off to a grand opening,” replied Qualus.  “Frankly, I’m surprised you don’t look more beat up than you are.”

I rotated my head like a periscope to look at him, “You knew and didn’t tell me.”

“Thousand yard stare,” murmured the elf before clearing his throat.  “Everyone knows that game is dangerous.  I didn't realize you didn’t know… but Heywood.  Sorry.”  He smirked.

Several of the other elves at the table frowned slightly when Qualus said sorry, only to recover when they noticed the smirk.   They were his usual crop of friends, and my opinion of them dropped several notches.  One of them nudged another and they both looked over at me and the larger of the two was considering saying something when Shade walked over to them and whined.

Both men stopped, looked down and started scratching the dog.  Shade was the world's greatest diplomat, no one could be angry in his presence.

Quatax looked at the quest board, and his brow furrowed.  I likewise looked at the board, but at this distance I couldn't make out anything particularly useful.

“What's the issue,” I asked.

Quatax smirked, “Oh, you can't read it from here.  There is a five man quest on the board, and only four of us.”

I, playing the role of the plate of chopped liver, nodded.  “Sounds like there is a problem there.”

“Yes, we will be unable to take the quest and it pays considerably more than the other quests, even split five ways,” said Quatax .

“Ask one of the girls,” I offered.  I knew Aria and Vicky were both still asleep.

“Go on a quest with women,” said Quatax with a start.  “That's not done.”

“Never figured you were so hide bound,” I said, glancing at his ears.

“Just because I'm not blessed by the goddess,” said Quatax defensively.  “Doesn't mean I'm willing to go against the codes of decency.”

“So ask a non-elf,” I said.

“I'd rather ask a woman,” said Quatax, dumbfounded.  “Elves don't go out on quests with non-elves.”

“I thought Gulwing said we were all part of the same team,” I said.

“Yeah, but you are basically mascots,” said Quatax.

“Seriously, I'm right here,” I said.

“I know,” said Quatax, affronted.  “That's why I said it.  Everyone else already knows.”

I looked at the elf and shook my head, “You realize I'm considering hitting you with my spear.”

“I haven't touched Shade,” said Quatax, stepping back.  “I let him sleep in my room for the goddess sake.”

I glared at him for a long moment, then remembered something important.  I was on vacation.  I didn't need this stress.  “Fine, I didn't want to go on your stupid quest anyway.”

“And that's why you are a mascot, the quest pays one thousand gold, that would be a two hundred gold share,” said Quatax.

“I can do math,” I said.

“I'm sure you try your best,” said Quatax.

“I can count to five,” I said, “One, two, three, four, five.” By the time I'd finished my hand was balled up into a fist.  Quatax looked at me then glanced over at Shade.

“Who wants treats,” said Quatax.

“Why do you guys keep bringing up Shade,” I asked.

“Because he's the brains of your outfit,” replied Quatax.  “You tend to run off of raw emotion, he is a careful planner.”

“He steals food,” I said.

“Which requires careful planning,” said Quatax.  “The cafeteria has upped security three times and he still is sneaking out with a whole reindeer leg.”

“I got more today,” said Shade happily, trotting over.  “Are you looking at the quest board?”

“Yes, the raging beboar,” said Quatax.

“What’s a beboar,” I asked.

“They love honey,” replied Quatax offhandedly while he watched Shade.

Shade sat and looked thoughtful for a moment, “Those are tough critters, I assume you will be using your current party.”

“Yes, but obviously we are one short,” said Quatax as the other elves joined us.

“Typical compositions, archer, mage, cleric, warrior,” said Shade, nodding to each elf and ending with Quatax.  “Bad setup for a beboar though.”

I glanced at Shade, there was absolutely no way he could have made an assessment that quickly.  That sounded almost like… I spotted the squirbit in the rafters.  She waved.

“Hi,” said Spivy, using that trick she'd done in Darven.

“Is this why they think Shade is a master planner,” I mentally sent back, feeling my essence plummet.  I couldn't keep that up for very long.

“I just give him suggestions, he is very agreeable,” said Spivy.

I looked back over at Shade who stood up, “You need a fifth who is armed for hunting large game, no way around it.”

Quatax looked around at the other members of his party.  They all shrugged or nodded as was their way.   Quatax cleared his throat, “Who would you suggest?”

“Someone with a spear, not to put too fine a point on it,” said Shade.  “or Gulwing, but I doubt he's going to leave the guild hall right now.”

Quatax considered that for a moment and groaned, “Mom and dad are fighting.”

Shade stood there thinking, or more likely waiting patiently for Spivy to feed him his next plan.  “Are there any elven spear fighters.”

“Max is the only active member of the guild who fights with a spear,” said Quatax.  “And he's not an elf, I can't bring him.”

“Could you bring me, I'm a good scout,” said Shade.

Quatax considered that for a moment and smiled, “Certainly.  We could bring you.  No elf would complain about the help of a hunting doat.”

“Mutant hunting doat,” said Shade.

“I stand corrected, mutant hunting doat and if he needed to bring his companion then all the better,” said Quatax.  The other elves looked dubious for a moment, then glanced over at the quest board with the fat reward for the quest.

“So you just expect me to help you for money,” I asked.

“No, I expect you to help us for a pile of money,” replied Quatax.

When it was a question of money or morals, money won out more often than not.

The five of them, with me following, started towards the door.

“Shade,” I muttered as we got closer.  “This is demeaning, I'm following you on a quest.”

“Think of the treats,” replied Shade.  “So many treats.  We are going to be able to sit on a beach for weeks.”

He had a point, 200 gold was probably a good few months of top quality beaching and my desire to be like Ken was growing rapidly.  I could be offended, or I could be on vacation.

And I was in a vacation state of mind.

The first crack in my vacation state of mind appeared as soon as we got the buggy.  The elves traveled in buggys, not birdies, and there was room for six elves inside.  There were also some scraps of cloth on the backside of the buggy in an x shape.  They were attached into boards that looked very much like gurneys.  There was a prominent sign saying ‘elves only’ on the door to the wagon.

I stewed but One of the elves saw the problem instantly, “They don't allow lo… non-elves into the buggy, there are harness straps on the back but those look dangerous.”

The elves nodded, ashamed.

Quatax finally spoke, “Clearly that will be too dangerous for Shade.  I'll tell the driver he must take mutant hunting doat with us in the passenger compartment.”

“And me,” I asked.

“The straps were made for humans,” said Quatax.  “You will clearly fit.  It's fine.”

I was not fine, but I wanted that money.  I was strapped to the outside of the buggy and found that the wooden gurney could be flipped around, giving me a thin plank of wood to protect me from the hazards of the road.

And there were hazards.

The elvish drivers knew they were in larger, slower but heavier buggies that could flatten a birdie if they came in wrong.  This changed their tactics for driving substantially.  Mainly the bridies were nimble and quick, the buggies tended to barge through things, like birdies.

The driver was less impressed that he had to strap me to the back of the buggy than he was that Shade was riding inside.  The fragile wooden cage looked sad and weak, but intact so I assumed that I would be okay.

One of the elves walked back out to look me over and ensure I was strapped up correctly.  I was at least somewhat happy that they at least cared until he opened his mouth.

“Shade was worried, so I told him I'd come out and check,” said the elf.

“Which one are you again,” I asked darkly.

“Forenth,” said the elf, eyeing me.  “I’m the cleric, I’ll heal you up after we get there.  I’ve never seen a human die… well, an adventurer die while strapped to the back of a buggy.”

Forenth, the cleric, was tall, for an elf, and almost as well muscled as Quatax, which was saying something.  He was also a light blond like Quatax.  Forenth was wearing a priestly vestment, which consisted of chain armor with a white tabard over it with the symbol of the goddess embroidered on it.

The symbol of the goddess was a circle with a stylized ear in blue over a green tree inside.

He pulled on something and a metal cage extended, flipping over the gurney I was strapped onto.  It actually protected the top half of my body.  I was suddenly far less concerned.  The elves were jerks, but they weren’t insane.

Forenth tugged on the bottom cage a few times, “Looks like the bottom one is rusted shut.  You’ll be fine, they hardly ever go after the legs.”  He stepped back into the buggy and the driver whipped the reindeer into motion.

I reached my foot down and tried to pull up the bottom part several times.  It didn’t move.

“Let me check,” said Spivy, running down my side and looking beneath the wagon.  “It is stuck, but I think I can fix it.”

Actual travel on the back of a buggy wasn’t terrible.  Sure there were horrible beasts running after me at top speed, and occasionally something would peck or poke at the cage but overall they were not going to break through the tough metal.

The problems were when we stopped.

Traffic bunched up and bloodlusted reindeer and angry birds were all too react to attempt to reach under the metal dome to poke at my softer bits.  There I was only protected by a thin sheet of wood.

The first stop had a reindeer that drove a horn into the wood and tried to push it all the way through.  Fortunately the wood was buttressed by me, and by our combined forces we were able to hold off the horn from tearing into my guts.

“Wind… Heart…” I groaned as the deer continued pushing.  “Have you got that broken free yet.”

“What,” said Spivy, from the inside of the buggy.  “Oh no, it is stuck and it's way too dangerous down there.”

“Hate you so much,” I groaned looking at the elven driver that was letting his deer poke me.  He looked uninterested.

I was just waiting for the light to change when I realized something.  I gathered my essence and turned my hand blue.  The reindeer jerked and stepped forwards, driving his horn further into the wood.

“Wrong color,” I said and tried yellow.  That made the reindeer stop for a moment, then he continued grinding his horn into the wood protecting my abdomen.  I could feel the wood bulging, “Quatax, I know blue means go and yellow means stop, are there any other colors that the traffic cops use?”

“Red means follow me,” said Quatal.  I tried that and the deer watched it for several seconds before returning to attempting to drive his horn through my belly.

“Anything for stand back,” I asked as I heard the wood pop.

“Purple,” said Forenth from the compartment.  “Why do you ask?”

I turned my hands purple and the deer finally backed off, looking at the light carefully.  The ill behaved driver looked at me annoyed, but finally jerked on his reigns reinforcing the behavior.

“No reason,” I exhaled and suddenly we blasted off again.

It took three more lights, and several more purples, for us to get onto the single bridge over the moon river.  The bridge was a stout thing of wood with massive stone piles breaching the water at points.  That wouldn’t have worked on earth as the wood would eventually rot, but as I looked at the bridge I realized that the entire bridge was one massive, living branch laying on the stone pilings for support.

The large river was easily nearly half a mile wide at this point and it lazily traveled east as dozens of elvish fishing boats plied their trade.  Their boats were essentially a very ornate canoe carved out of a single piece of very large wood.  When your nation was full of druids and located next to a massive forest that could be bribed, such things were possible.  The largest boats were actually catamarans, and in one case a trimaran.

I watched the trimaran as we crossed at a more sedate pace, the branch was one one singular branch but a weaving of thousands of smaller ones that were tightly enough packed that a deer could walk on it.  Even so, that did limit our speed down to something that was almost leisurely.

The trimaran had a crew of two elves and eight orcs who were all working together to pull up a net full of the local fish.  They sparkled in the sunlight as the net we pulled from the water.  Rapidly they had the whole catch on board and were throwing the net out again.

Elves and orcs were cooperating, which begged the question.

“Do you guys have beef with orcs?”

Quatax considered that for a moment, “Not any more than with any other lotai.”

“But you have issues with goblins,” I said.

“Everyone has issues with goblins,” replied Quatax with a laugh.  “Those little buggers will burn down the forest if you let them, they’ve tried a few times.  Obviously they always fail.”

“They aren’t any more people than fairies were, Max,” said Zorg.

Oh.

At the midpoint of the bridge, the buggy stopped and stayed attached to the cargo rack, briefly.  It might have been the angry looking ostrich, or the fact that I was being treated like cargo but I untied myself, wincing at a large bruise on my chest, and hopped down walking past the side of the wagon where the elves were telling Shade that he was the goodest boy.

“Obviously,” I grumbled.

“Don’t be upset, he is much prettier than you,” said Spivy.

“So fairies and goblins are both on the same level,” I asked as I got to the side path and looked around.  The bridge was woven somewhat like a DNA strand with the various arches each supporting the bridge while allowing it to remain somewhat flexible.

“Basically, we are both system creatures doing the system’s duties,” said Spivy unhappily.  “We don’t have free minds, and so the races that do have free will look down on us.”

“You have free will, don’t you?” I asked.

“Not entirely.  I’m not fully immune to the system’s influence,” said Spivy.  She settled down in my hood.  “I’m close, we did polish off some of the sharper edges during the rebellion, but in the end if the system tells me to jump I have to.”

That still sounded horrible.  Like you were in prison constantly with the warden just behind you.  I didn’t know what to say so I remained silent for a bit.

“Wonder why we stopped,” I said.  I wasn’t really worried about getting separated from the wagon, the bridge wasn’t that long and I could easily walk the remaining distance to the fort. There was some sort of roadblock in the middle of the bridge and they were shutting traffic around it.

As I got closer, I spotted a wagon that tipped over pouring out the contents right onto the roadbed.  Up close, the branches were tightly enough together to serve as a road, but still permeable allowing liquids to slide between.  This truck was hauling alchemical liquids and had spilled its load right at the mid point of the bridge.  The truck was effectively a small oil tanker and this was a spill large enough to make even a non-environmentalist weep.

There were army guards directing traffic with several lanterns.  They were stopping one side of traffic before letting the other move, much like construction workers on any road back on earth.  I watched for a moment, but it was boring.  Despite their nominally lazy conduct, the elves were moving with some alacrity to get the wagon moved.

I wondered what their plan was for moving the heavy, busted wagon when nearly a dozen elves grabbed the wagon and collectively pushed it over the side into the river below.  It shattered to bits on the stone pillar and left a rather impressive oil stain in the water.

“Are they really environmentalists,” I asked.

“Army elves?  No, they are pragmatists to their core,” said Spivy.  “This bridge might be used for commercial traffic, but its main use is allowing the military to deploy from one side of the river to another.  If there is a conflict, you’d be amazed at how quickly this bridge clears.”

“Or they’ll throw you off,” I asked.

“Or they will raise it,” said Spivy.  I glanced back into town, the ‘branch’ was really a vine grown out of the city greenery rather than the gnarly forest.  That meant that enough elven druids could do something rather unfortunate with it if someone tried to invade from over the river.

“Good to know,” I said as I continued walking down the path on the other side of the bridge from the soldiers.  There were not too many people walking here, and of those people I was the only non elf.  I should have known better.

An army uniform raised his hands, “Halt.”

I halted, “I’m an adventurer, I’m meeting my party on the other side.  We have a quest.”

The elf had short cropped blond hair, and the greenish brown leather armor that all of the soldiers wore.  He examined me critically, sniffing at me several times.  “We don’t take kindly…”

“Enough,” came a quiet voice from behind him.  The elf actually paled.

“You move quick,” I said to Sylanada, who was sporting an eye patch and had her arm in a sling.

“This one does,” she replied ominously.  Or as ominous as someone could when they were that badly banged up.  The other elf decided it was time to leave and moved away to let her deal with the problem.

“Am I in trouble?” I asked.

She attempted to look at me sternly for a moment, then winced, “No, I wanted to thank you for the mashed heywoods, they were delicious.”

None of the elves called the tubers anything other than Heywoods now.  I think that helped with the illusion they were not eating poor people's food.  The outlandish prices heywoods were being sold for also helped.

“Are you going to be okay,” I asked, looking her up and down.  She seemed battered, but not broken.  She snorted and shook her head.

“Give me a bit of time to recover and I’ll be fine,” she replied, using the more familiar way of elven speech.

“Like a month,” I asked.

“Yeah, a bit of time,” she said.  “Probably about as long as it will take to clear that gunk out from the bridge if we even bother.”

I sniffed several times, “I recognize that smell.”

“You are an alchemist as well as a chef,” said Sylanada, her eyebrow raised.

“Got some off a bugbear actually,” I said, pulling out a vial of alchemist's fire, except now that I had the alchemy skill I realized that it wasn’t alchemist’s fire at all.  It was a quick hardening pitch, which used most of the same components of alchemist’s fire, but after it was set it became fire resistant because of ‘magic’.

She took the vial and sniffed it.  “Yeah, that is the same stuff.  Wonder how a bugbear got it.”

“No idea, but she tried really hard to keep it,” I stated.

Sylanada examined me more carefully with her good eye, “And you are just a mortal, I’m impressed.”

I gave her the side eye and the elf’s stern expression cracked into a sly grin that didn’t fit on her ancient face at all.  It only lasted a heartbeat and she was back in stern elven warrior mode, but I’d seen it.

Time to change the subject.

“Was the wagon moving into or out of the city,” I asked.

“Into, from across the river,” said Sylanada curiously.  “This one will send out word to find the driver.  It was a l… non-elf, and vanished right after the accident.  We believe he dove into the river.  Given the damage the driver would be liable for normally, one could understand his reasoning but frankly we thought him dead, now I wonder if the driver was a goblin.”

“Do goblins come into the city,” I asked.

“Hobgoblins are clever, and are both large enough and correctly shaped that unless you are being vigilant they will occasionally sneak into town,” she said, glancing down the bridge to a tall, glowing jewel that I could only partially see through the city skyline.

“What is that?” I asked, examining the gem.

“That is Mother’s home,” replied Sylanada flatly.  I could sense some innate hostility there, but also more than a little bit of exasperation.  Given how banged up she was fighting against one of the system lord’s minions, I supposed that made sense but I got the feeling there was more to it than that.

“How are you doing?” I asked.

Sylanada was overseeing the repairs of the bridge, and several elven soldiers were trying to chip the hardered tar off of the roadway.  It wasn’t asphalt so I didn’t think it would hold up very long, but it was sticking to everything.  It was not an important job, but she was too injured to do much else.

She inhaled to speak then glanced at me with her good eye, “This one thinks you are quite presumptuous if you expect me to answer.”  She was back to high elven.

“One can hope,” I replied, in high elven.

“That’s a dirty trick,” she said, wincing at the sound.  High Elven was melodious, and I sounded like nails on a chalkboard speaking it.  “Why are you out this way?”

“We are hunting a beboar,” I said.

“The guild finally sent out a kill squad for that beast, good,” said Sylanada uncomfortably.  She looked like someone who should be home resting, not out here working.  “It has claimed a few of the king's soldiers and a few more citizens.”

“That sounds rough,” I said, realizing that the stoic elven maiden actually looked bothered by the unnecessary deaths.

“Well, it is not as if we still have system fairies out here helping us,” she said longingly.

“I thought fairies were not allowed,” I said.

Sylanada snorted, “Most foolish thing the lady ever did was banish system fairies.”

“Because their demands weren’t all that serious,” I asked.

“I suppose,” said Sylanada as she watched the other elves work, “But also because they did very little damage in their silly rebellion.”

I was about to ask how much damage when I felt something very sharp poke me in the side.  “I’m sure they had their reasons.”

“I'm sure they did, but they were handy,” said Sylanada wistfully.  “The magical squirbit has not been seen since their departure.”

I nodded, considering said magical creature was in my hood at the moment.  “I thought those weren’t real.”

Sylanada smiled, “When I was a child, the magical squirbit saved my life, so I know she’s real.”

Eager to change the subject, I looked over at the castle.  “There is an army base here, I’m surprised you haven’t tracked it down,” I offered.

Sylanada snorted, “You know why I am not involved.  And the king’s army is not well equipped for monster hunting.”

“And that is what the guild is for,” I offered.

“Yes, you adventurers fight monsters and it is best when you stay in your lane,” said Sylanada meaningfully.  I got the sense she was referring to keeping out of the fight between the king and the system lord, which I agreed with.  Every time I’d gotten involved, it had been painful.

“Yup, all we are good for fighting monsters,” I said and the elf woman nodded.  Still, I continued, “Plus a few other things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, if you want to get the sticky stuff off the road bed, you can use this,” I said, pulling out two vials of stamina potion.  One was an orc potion and the other a halfling recipe potion.  “The mixture turns it back into a liquid, you could clean it off with water then.”

As the pitch splattered everywhere, I picked a small patch to demonstrate on.  The first potion did nothing, but when the two potions mixed on top of the pitch the hardened material softened again and started to seep through.  It didn’t get far before it rehardened.

“I don’t suppose you have enough potions on you,” she asked.

I looked at the massive hardening spot of pitch that dripped into the thick vine.  “I don’t know if the shops in Dominus have that many potions on them.”

“There might be a better method,” said Sylanada, holding onto the vial of pitch I’d given her.  “This one will check with the alchemists guild to see if there is and if not spend quite a bit of royal gold buying potions.”

“Daddy’s money,” I asked, thinking back to the prices she was looking at something like ten to twelve thousand gold.

Sylanada looked askance at me, then grinned.  “You are a sprig, don’t say that to an agent of the King.  But yes, I’ll have to apply to have the royal credit limit at the auction house increased.”

Another elf called out and Sylanada checked out the road.  Traffic was moving again.

“Looks like our conversation is over,” I said.

Sylanada nodded, “Yes, you were very helpful for a human.  More helpful than many elves I know.  Thank you.”

She walked off and started barking orders.

“What does sprig mean,” I asked spivy as I continued walking.

“It means a small shoot or twig,” she replied.

“That’s not too bad,” I said.

“The way she’s saying it means a short eared fool who doesn't know enough to be worth yelling at,” replied Spivy.

“Yeah, that tracks,” I said.

“It can be a term of endearment,” said Spivy.

“Yeah, so can ‘boy’,” I replied.

When we reached the edge of the bridge the buggy was waiting. Shade ran over to me, wagging his tail.  “That was fun, the inside of their buggy was full of soft, nice things.”

I rubbed the bruise on my chest, “Must have been nice.  So where is the target.”

Quatax pointed and we started walking, “According to the local garrison, the monster was spotted in the forest nearby.  They could deal with a monster, but prefer to let the experts handle it.”

“Which would be us,” I said.

“Obviously,” replied Forenth as he prayed to the goddess and my bruise cleared up.

“So what next,” I asked.  “Should one of you go scouting?”

Forenth snorted, “Are you trying to give an elf orders?”

“Harple should scout,” said Shade, causing the elven archer to nod.  He moved forward, his essence allowing him to blend into the forest better.

The most woody looked elf nodded and headed off into the forest.

“Harple,” I said, glancing down at Shade.

“They were talking in the car,” replied my dog.  “The other one’s name is Zorg.”

“Zorg, the wizard,” I asked.

“No, just Zorg.  Mark is the wizard,” said Zorg quickly.  I hated to admit I didn’t ask their names earlier because they seemed like jerks.  I was still pretty confident they were jerks, but I sill should have asked.

Harple was dressed right out of lord of the rings, with leather armor that was blended to work in the forest and a large bow when needed.  Zorg was a spell caster, and looked slightly more out of world of warcraft, with a greenish robe with blue highlights and a skull cap.  Both obviously had blond hair.

“Surrounded by blonds,” I muttered as we moved into the forest.

“What do you mean by that,” asked Zorg defensively.

“You all have the same hair color,” I replied.

The three remaining elves looked at each other before Quatax spoke, “We do not, my hair color is golden, Zorg is light ash, and Forenth is sandy.”

“Those are all blond to me,” I said, causing the elves to look at each other again.

“Wow, seriously,” said Quatax.

“I’m digging through my languages and most versions of humans consider elven hair to simply be blond,” said Forenth.

“I can think of 16 shades of elven hair color,” said Quatax.

“Are all greens the same shade to you as well,” asked Zorg curiously.

“Obviously there are some differences, we just don’t have names for them,” I said as all the elves looked at me curiously.

Suddenly Harple returned and murmured something.

Quatax nodded,  “Harple found the Beboar, he’s hiding in a stand of forest green trees.  Max, if you see the cool green leaves you’ve gone too far.  Also be careful for goblins.”

“Goblins,” I said.

“Yes, Harple saw quite a few tracks but they shouldn’t be around a monster den,” said Quatax.

Zorg shook his head, “Obviously a warren is on the move through the forest, it happens so don’t worry about it.  Just focus on the forest green trees.”

These instructions, which were worthless to me, proved more than adequate for the rest of the elves who moved quickly and efficiently through the trees.  Shade’s ninja training allowed him to likewise keep up, moving swiftly and silently.  I followed behind, like a companion.  Even then I wasn’t adequate.

“Please be quiet, Max,” said Quatax.

“I am being quiet,” I hissed.

“This is why I told you we shouldn’t bring a human,” said Zorg.  “They are incapable of stealth and aren’t that bright.”

“I”m right here,” I said.

“I know, that’s why I explained the problem,” replied Zorg throwing up his arms.

I drew my spear, causing the other elves to draw their weapons and start looking for the threat.  I managed to count to five before they looked back at me.  “I have an idea, why do I just walk up this path towards the beboar and you guys get ready to back me up.  We want him to attack me anyway, right?”

Quatax nodded, “Turning Max’s massive liability into a strength.”

“That’s a very good idea,” said Zorg.  “For a human.”

Wow, that was really a degrading way of phrasing something.  Still, I wanted that 200 gold piece reward so I started down the path.

“To your right,” said Spivy.  “You are heading towards the cool green leaves.”

“How many shades of green are there,” I asked.

“LIke 16 according to the elves,” I think.  “I don’t know, I can see like 60 shades of green, humans really do have the worst senses.”

“Do you have any useful advice,” I asked.

Spivy wiggled her tail, “Sure.  First the easy stuff, when you use your spear push both of your shields up to the tip to act as wings.  It will keep the beboar from running down the spear into you.”

That was a good idea, and I found that with my new spear I could easily place a shield anywhere down its length like it was a part of me.  I placed both circular shields on the sides of the spear, giving it mouse ears that would slow the beboar if I should impale it.

“Next thing, focus your essence on the base of the spear, you should be able to expand or shrink the length of your spear.  In this case you want it longer,” said Spivy.

“Won’t that mean it will be easier to break,” I asked.

“That’s a heartwood spear, it is not going to break,” said Spivy.

Extending the spear was more complicated than adding shields to it and it took me several seconds before I figured out how to do it and even longer to extend the spear.  Normally the spear was six feet in length.  I added about three more feet, giving the weapon a better stand off range.

“This is a bit tricky, I have to maintain essence in the spear, my shields, and my person.  I took a moment to ensure everything was set where it was supposed to be and then continued towards the greenish splotch of green in the dark green next to the darkish green.

Even that took a few minutes.  The forest on this side of the river was different than the Gnarly forest I’d been in so far.  The trees were not quite so tightly woven, so it was more like a very dense normal forest rather than the super dense podding that I’d seen deeper in.

“It's the river,” said Spivy.  “The water table is too high here so the forest doesn’t invest itself so heavily right at the banks.  If you continue walking about a quarter mile further in the forest it will be right back up to normal.”

“That and all the goblin tracks,” said Shade, sniffing loudly.

“Focus on the monster,” said Spivy.

I looked around but didn’t see too many, still there were a number of feral goblins out this way.  I knew they were a problem, but I didn’t realize they were literally pressing up against the town’s border over here.

“How does the forest get across,” I muttered, looking around for the monster.

“The river isn’t like this the whole way.  The Gnarly forest goes so far back, it can manage to cross over the smaller tributaries that make up the Moon,” said Spivy as she peered around on my shoulder.  She was actually searching for threats, which was nice.  I liked having a second pair of eyes.

Shade was off with the elves moving silently, I only knew where they were because of the companion core.  I hated to admit that even Quatax, who was wearing metal armor like myself, was much quieter than I was.

I didn’t concentrate on that much though, I was alert and checking everything.  I didn’t want to get ambushed here by something strong enough that the guild thought a whole party was necessary.  Still, despite me using essence to improve my sight and hearing, and Spivy acting as a second pair of eyes, I barely spun around in time to face the charging beboar.

The creature smashed through several small trees as it lined up on me.  It was broad shouldered, furry, and had a head like a bear… with tusks.  At that instant, I knew I had a major problem.

“I thought it was half bee,” I yelled, jamming the butt of my spear into the ground and pointing it at the beboar.

“What’s a bee,” asked Spivy curiously.  “Oh, a small insect that makes honey.  I see the confusion.  Your world is crazy.  Beboars are horrible monsters that love honey.  From your perspective, it would be half boar, and half bear, with tusks''

“If I knew I’d be fighting a bear with a stick I’d have refused the quest,” I yelled as the beboar charged straight at me.  I could feel the ground shake.  I could feel my guts liquify.  Abruptly I realized that my suicidal depression was getting better, because I no longer wanted to die.  Except that wasn’t in the cards right now.

The beboar swung its clawed hand towards my spear, bruising my weapon away and I could see the scars.  The creature fought adventurers before, and won.  That explained the high reward.  The massive creature’s eyes were full of malice as it tried to look into my soul so I did what came naturally.

I flashed it.

The beboar was resistant to a great number of things, but the bright flash of light to the face was enough to stop it for the moment I needed to draw back my spear and thrust it into the creature’s chest.

Where it penetrated by about a quarter inch.

“The beboar’s hide is extremely tough,” added Spivy.  “They are heroic level creatures, so a full team of 5 is usually necessary to hunt them.”

As if on cue, an arrow slammed into the creature’s side followed by a fireball so bright I had to use my light affinity to shield my eyes from the blast.  My eyebrows did not survive, but I was mostly hit by the pressure wave which knocked me back several paces.

I’d have been offended, but it got me away from the beboar so I was willing to let it slide.

Quatax and Forenth, the cleric, appeared on the flanks of the creature and started swinging.  Quatax had his great sword and Forenth was wielding a glowing mace that glowed with holy energy.

The sword slashed a deep cut into the beboar’s shoulder and the mace slammed down into it's ribs with an audible crunch.  I got back to my feet, spear still in hand and prepared to join them when the beboar got his second wind.

With a speed one does not expect from something so large, the beboar dodged out of the way of Quatax’s slash, and did so through the simple expedient of running over the cleric.  One of the beboar’s hooved rear feet stepped down hard on Forenth’s metal boot, crushing it onto his foot.

The elf screamed.

“Not great, get pressure off of Forenth,” said Spivy.

“I’m not in position,” I said.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” replied Spivy as Shade appeared, tearing into the beboar’s leg.  The beboar growled, adjusting his position to reach for the dog.  The instant he moved his rear foot, Shade bit down on Forenth’s leg and both of them vanished in a puff of shadow.

That confused the monster, but he didn’t have to think about it very long as I activated my laser thrust skill and drove my spear into his back.  With my essence flowing the spear dug way deeper into the creature’s flesh than before, still I only caused a minor wound.

He wheeled around, his body now covered in shallow arrow strikes from Harple’s bow.  I could hear the bow fire every time the elf released it was so heavily strung, and those arrows were barely denting the creature.  Zorg was binding the beboar’s jaw’s shut using magic designed more to distract than inflict any real damage, because his spells apparently couldn’t heavily damage the creature.

That just left me and Quatax.  We got into a rhythm.  I would dart in, thrusting at whatever parts of the beboar looked exposed and then pull away when the massive creature turned to face me.  Then Quatax would come in swinging, trying to do some serious damage with his sword.

Quatax was a two handed sword wielder and his weapon had a core that improved damage, so he was doing the bulk of the work.  His sword hit far stronger than my spear did and he opened up several deep gashes in the beboar.  I was mainly annoying the creature to get it to face me so he could recover his essence and prepare for the next strike.

I stepped in as Quatax’s attacks became ragged.  He was running low on essence and needed to pop a potion.  I attacked with the battlecry of my people, “Yo asshole!”

The beboar turned to face me, he had to.  I was a giant glowing billboard with a spear.  I used laser thrust and drove a strike down one of the arrows getting the tip of my spear in just a bit further than normal.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  The beboar, upset at being stung so many times, grabbed the pole of my spear and an unfamiliar feeling washed over me.

“Hey, this is terrifying,” I said.

“Great, now we have the opposite problem,” replied Spivy.  “Stay in here, you have to protect your friends.”

“Friends is a hard word,” I said.

“Party members,” said Spivy.

“That’s accurate, I suppose,” I said as the massive creature which had all the bad parts of a bear and boar roared at me.

“This ain’t going to be good,” said Spivy.

I was wrenched towards the beboar before I had time to realize my predicament.  I was unaware that the creature which obviously could climb trees had any means of grabbing anything, which was my bad.

The only saving grace I had was that beboars, like crocodiles, had weaker muscles for opening their jaws than closing them so Zorg’s binding held.  Unfortunately, that just meant the beboar had to use another option and he wound up a powerful strike that I barely got my bracers in front of.

The bracers saved me from losing my arms, physically at least.  They were both clearly broken and I was spinning through the air.  The instant before I landed I felt Shade bite my leg and suddenly I was standing next to Forenth.

He grabbed me and yelled, “Namiestay, heal this man.”  The pain in my arms vanished.

“Thank you,” I said.

“That is not a low level heroic beboar,” he muttered.  I glanced down and his boot was partially cut off of his foot, but still smashed nearly flat.  I didn’t want to imagine what his foot looked like in there.

Harple grunted.

“Your arrows can’t penetrate the creature’s hide, that is unfortunate,” I replied looking for my spear just as Shade appeared and spit it out at my feet.

“You should hurry, Quatax is getting very tired,” said Shade.

“We need to pull back, I can’t maintain the binding on his muzzle much longer,” said Zorg.

“What about your friend?,” I asked.  “I was under the impression that beboars would keep chasing you if you ran.”  I glanced over at Forenth who didn’t seem bothered.  I wasn’t sure but that seemed like someone an asshole bear/boar hybrid would do.  The elves looked at each other and I realized it would eat Quatax before any of us.  “You are all assholes, I’m going to save Quatax.”

I ran out of the hiding spot between the large tree Forenth was hidden behind.  I suspected Shade had decided that the tree was the best hiding spot for moving people and his ability to teleport had saved at least two of us so far.

“I am pretty sure I can teleport us away,” said Shade.

“Yeah, but we can’t just leave Quatax, we have to be good boys,” I said.  Shade did not look amused.

“Being a good boy is hard,” said my dog, before a look of determination crossed his face.  “But I will not be a bad boy!”

I got back to the small clearing just as Quatax was knocked to the ground.  The beboar had enough of the elf and slammed one paw down on his chest and pushed.  Quatax was wearing an elven half plate made of a metal that would have given titanium a run for its money, it started to buckle almost instantly.

Still, the beboar was facing away from me and I spotted an area that might be more vulnerable.

“Well, if antman thought it would work on Thanos,” I said and dumped essence into my legs.  I couldn’t move as fast an elf, not even close.  But i could move much faster than a human should have been able to and I weighed a lot more than an elf so that had to count for something.

I lined up my laser thrust with my brown eyed target and yelled, “Kan-CHO!”

The results were less than impressive.  The beboar took just the tip.  Everything else was stopped by the beboar’s enormously tough… skin.  The internal skin was a bit weaker, but I wasn’t strong enough to force the issue.  That wasn’t to say it didn’t annoy him though.

The beboar attempted to fling the nearest object it could find at me, and that happened to be Quatax.  I narrowly dodged to the side as the semi-conscious elf flashed past me slamming into the rotted tree Forenth was hiding behind.  He was ‘safe’.  The tree shattered, causing a swarm of thumb sized insects to emerge much to the elves' chagrin.

“What are those,” I asked, swatting my hand into my neck and pulling back a horror of nature.  It was a nearly thumb sized insect with a stinger and vicious mandibles.

“Beants,” said Spivy.  “They make honey.”

“Hybrid bees and ants, glorious,” I said, stumbling slightly.  I looked at the beboar and noticed that the world was getting slightly bendy.  “I don’t feel so good.”

“You’ve been poisoned,” said Spivy.  “I can tell using my system fairy powers.  The poison is impacting your dexterity and strength.  It is a mortal tier poison so you can use your essence to resist, would you like to?”

“Yes,” I groaned.

“Then I suggest you start,” said Spivy, the evil fairy.  Actually using my essence to counteract poison was straightforward as things went.  It felt like ‘bad’ essence inside my existing network of ‘good’ essence.  All I needed to do was push against it and contain it.

Then I got bit again.

“Ohh, you got poisoned again, that’s fascinating,” said Spivy.

“You aren’t helping,” I grunted, trying to get away from the fallen hive.

“It could be worse, you could be Quatax or Forenth, they are loaded up on poison,” said Spivy.  “It is highly detrimental to their combat performance.”

“I hate you so much,” I groaned.

“Well, the worse the sting, the better the honey,” said Spivy.

“Wait, honey?”

“Yes dear,” said Shade.

“Go steal the honey, I need it,” I said, gesturing back at the tree.

Shade snorted, “They have pincers and stingers.”

“But they are all occupied biting and stinging Quatax,” I offered.

“They are also stinging Forenth,” said Shade consideringly.

“Yeah, you should probably save them AFTER you get the honey,” I said, squaring up on the beboar with my spear and shields at the ready.  “Harple, there is a weakspot!”

Harple grunted.

“Not there, down his throat,” I said, backing up slowly and pulling a bottle out of my storage.  With the angry insects behind me and the beboar in front of me I was rapidly running out of space.  “Zorg, get ready to release the bands.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” said the wizard.

“He’s going to get me first, now,” I offered.  That was enough for the wizard.

Shade appeared, a not quite bee hive in his mouth.  The honeycomb structure was still there and it oozed honey.  I activated quick thrust and prepared, alarmed at just how much essene my most powerful attack used.  I wasn’t going to be able to use it and laser thrust at the same time unaided.  I jammed my spear into the mass of honeycombes and drank my potion feeling the energy surge in my core.

“Now,” I yelled, flinging the honeycombes at the beboar.  It stopped, watching the tantalizing treat come towards its face just as the barrier around his jaw faded.  The beboar opened his mouth, ready to enjoy the honey when an arrow blasted through it slamming deep in the beboar’s throat.

The monster gurgled.

Not as much as he did a moment later when I followed up the arrow with an alchemy powered quickened laser thrust directly into its mouth.  The beboar attempted to bite down, but despite the damage of my spear, the actual purpose was to get the light shields in his mouth.  I pulled my spear to the side as Harple fired three more arrows in rapid succession through the light shield.

From this side it did nothing to stop the arrows and each one buried itself in the creature’s throat.  Still, even wounded the beboar was too much for my light shield and he bit through it, advancing on me as I moved to the side.  But he advanced much slower than before and unsteadily.

I blew through almost all of my essence with my quickened laser thrust and switched down to just using laser thrust to keep the creature away from me.  Every time he stepped closer to me I stepped back while thrusting my spear at his injured face.

Step by step the creature advanced, yet each step was shorter than the previous one.  By the time the beboar closed the distance to reach me he was wobbling on his feet.  He fell to the side with a mighty crash.

With that it was over.  The mighty Beboar was slain, there was only one thing left.

“You assholes better be here when I turn around,” I yelled.